hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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