just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
