wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
We have started to decorate penises.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
