rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
