Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
