girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
