great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
