im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
