So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
