I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
