Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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