i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
