I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
