She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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