You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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