I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
