i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
