How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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