you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
