you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
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