When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
