Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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