I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
