One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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