i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
