Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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