I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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