The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
