you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
