I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
