Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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