When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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