we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
