In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
