2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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