Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
