im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
