haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
