I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
