We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
