Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
