He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
