when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
