As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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