I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
