omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
