i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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