Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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