I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
