If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
