Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
