She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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