So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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