i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
