I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
its liver damage thursday
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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