I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I just googled if crying burns calories
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
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