The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
3pm strippers are depressing
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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