I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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