Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Randomize
