her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
