I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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