i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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